The Startup

okay so i'm posting a blog of how i'm feeling. The purpose of this blog is to let the ones whom I choose, see deep into how I am feeling through out the day, with my illness. the format of this is going to be very raw, and puncutation, grammer and spelling with not matter as much. right now the only how who I will let view this site with be my lovely girl steph*, but maybe i'll let my sis take a peek, who knows. so lets get this started.

TODAY

today i woke up and feeling that anxiousness again. this is the same anxiousness thats been really buggin me lately. its lessened a bit today. I'll get into more of what it is later. I'm trying to figure out what is causing it so i can get down to the bottom of it. It is the same stuff that I was suffereing from all these years. Its anxiousness, combined with the fact that my mind has no control. I can't control feelings and I can't control mind direction. I still never feel anything. don't feel hungry, happy sad, excitment, sleepy, however i do feel anxiousness but it feels forced. it feels fake. its gotta be the lyme. I suspect this because I haven't taken any of my botanical shots in a couple of weeks. As soon as I get those I will definately see how much impact they have on it. glyoxal shots started to make a difference but then their effect has faded. yesterday i woke up BAD. like i had no control of my mind. the lyme makes my mind feel whatever it wants to. usually its the feeling that everything around me is gone and changed. it makes me forget who i am and all that i have acomplished. Imagine if one day you woke up and your whole world was just dark and gloomy. you felt like the worst thing that could ever happen in your life had just happened(for everybody this would be different), i sometimes describe the feeling as if my parents died, althought i wouldn't feel like that, i say it because i think thats what other people would feel like. Its a feeling that you have just lost something immense. like you have lost everything. all off a sudden your world is dark and everything is black. everything in the world seems tainted, like its causing you to feel like this. its a delusion and a damn good one at that. it scared the shit out of a happy fighter like me, that is what i think is very scary about this disease. but i figured out it was fake. something just doesn't ad up. nothing caused this. so about 98% of my brain power throughout the day is taken up tryint to quiet this fake feeling. oh man, in 10th grade when i had a therapist he had a field day with it. oh no it can't be fake, blah blah blah, then i started to have delsuions that he was taking over my mind. like is was a conspiracy to make me feel like this somehow. even then i knew all that was false and fake, but its really hard to fight something you feel. even if you know it ain't true. thats scary. and yes it takes up all my precious brain power. its prolly why i have so much control over my mind when it goes away. way more control than anyybody i know. but then i have 10 years of devoting 98% of my brain power to this. i think i might have made me smarter more intelectual. just becuase it a brain excersize somewhat. but for me its a defense, a defense because i want ot be normal and feel normal feelings. people tkae these for granted everyday and when they gone, and you have no control, its heaven just to have these back. man what i wouldn't give to be normal and have complete control. that is why i fight this thing with vigor and patience. its a battle, a tough day to day battle. this disease would have crippled anybody else, i could definately see people commiting suicide on this disease, but not me, its made me into a fighter, molded me into one. thats how i know that when i get better i have to go and do something great in the world. i;ve been training for 10+ years. anyways so yeah i went on a tangent, and i have to or else i forget everything so bear with me. so yesterday i woke up feeling bad, i didn't want ot get outta bed. but after taking my morning meds i felt better. then i pondered whether to take the provigil, and i did, boy it helped suprisingly with the anxious ness. it gave my mind back a little control. today i took another one, and i can't really tell that much of a difference, but then the anxiousness is less. thats all for now, i'ma go help my dad patch up the deck.